Take it off or put it on, all ways you’ll be judged.
Veil, or in other words Islamic Head Cover, has been a huge issue during the past few years; wearing it, taking it off, refusing to wear it, obliging it, questioning if its obligation, and overall treating it as a method of judging others. Before I start talking I have to state that I’m only stating a personal opinion and point of view, it has nothing to do with the right way religion said it should be or anything. I am a 21-year-old artist who in a couple of months would celebrate my 7th year wearing veil. I admit that it has not been the easiest decision and of course have suffered from the way other people negatively view it. I admit that I do not wear as I should or may be even the least, but also I admit that this is the only way I could do it at the moment. Most f the society has viewed me in two different ways that I am not, and only few saw me as I am. I have been viewed as a “religious” girl who will not understand open-minded people or won’t be capable of communicating with them, and therefore many opportunities have slipped away from me, whether opportunities as simple as meeting new people or as huge as not being qualified for the job of my dreams. Also due to the way I dress, I have been viewed as a “3’er la2ik” for mo7agbat society, or for knowing or working with people who are “moltazmin” more than me in their outfit, some even see me as a disgrace for what I wear and that I should take it off. While I am neither that nor that, as few saw me, I am a person, an ordinary person, who has personal dreams of being an artist, who took the step of veil when I thought I could and thought I won’t if it was postponed, I accept the difference between me and others, I do what I can to be good, but also cannot help it that I have some wrong deeds, after all I am a human being. A human being, who took a very personal step on her own and put the 7ijab on, and shall not accept being judged because of that.
At many times I thought of falling apart and listening to society and take it, to let both groups see me the way they want. So I would fit into the job of my dreams and agree with others that its better this way. But could never do that, I do not want to, at least not now, its my own personal thing.
At the same time I have seen others take it off, and been accepted and rejected by the same two groups who formerly judged them and me. The funny thing was they are still the same person, nothing changed they just took off some pieces they used to wear, whether they are good or bad they still are, whether they are “motadaineen” or not they still are. I never understood why does it differ that much. It’s ok to feel bad that they are not wearing it, if you believe in 7ijab, or to feel good that they took it off, if you do not believe in it, but its not ok to feel different about the person.
We are all human beings no matter what we wear, whether we wear more or less others will always judge us. Whether you decide to take your 7ijab off or to put it on others will always judge you, not for whom you are but for whom you look like you are. If you want to take it off, do it because you want to, because you do not feel like you are that person veiled and not because society views you wrong or is treating you wrong. Also, if you want to put it on, put it on because you want to and can and not because this way you’ll be viewed as a more religious person. And so I decided to act as I want to act, not as society is telling me, and to look as I am and if people do not understand, well all I can do is hope they will one day.
At many times I thought of falling apart and listening to society and take it, to let both groups see me the way they want. So I would fit into the job of my dreams and agree with others that its better this way. But could never do that, I do not want to, at least not now, its my own personal thing.
At the same time I have seen others take it off, and been accepted and rejected by the same two groups who formerly judged them and me. The funny thing was they are still the same person, nothing changed they just took off some pieces they used to wear, whether they are good or bad they still are, whether they are “motadaineen” or not they still are. I never understood why does it differ that much. It’s ok to feel bad that they are not wearing it, if you believe in 7ijab, or to feel good that they took it off, if you do not believe in it, but its not ok to feel different about the person.
We are all human beings no matter what we wear, whether we wear more or less others will always judge us. Whether you decide to take your 7ijab off or to put it on others will always judge you, not for whom you are but for whom you look like you are. If you want to take it off, do it because you want to, because you do not feel like you are that person veiled and not because society views you wrong or is treating you wrong. Also, if you want to put it on, put it on because you want to and can and not because this way you’ll be viewed as a more religious person. And so I decided to act as I want to act, not as society is telling me, and to look as I am and if people do not understand, well all I can do is hope they will one day.
Can I Fly?
A small kid went to his mum and asked.. mummy can i fly? .... yes you can when you grow up but only if you do not hate, envy, misuse, or do carry any bad feeling within your body.. Only then one day you'll find yourself flying... the kid was not sure of what his mum was saying as all the teachers said that a person can not fly... the kid turned to his father and asked, daddy is that true, will fly if I did what mummy just said... the father smiled and looked at his son saying yes, it is true... everything in this universe is created from energy... whenever u do a bad thing on purpose or carry a bad feeling within u towards someone or towards yourself your soul becomes heavier and it produces negative energy, negative energy that earth wants to swallow to keep away from life... and so with every step you take the sky pushes you with your negative energy down and the ground wishes they could swallow this negative energy away, to protect the rest of the world from it... and therefore you are totally heavy on earth and can not fly... on the other hand if your soul is clear from any bad feelings it would be light producing all positive energy positive energy that is in complete harmony with the universe and all elements want to attract it because of its beauty.. and then with every step you take you will feel lifted by all the elements and shall never feel the weight or the pain and then you will be flying.... the kid then said but is not it hard to prevent those feelings... the mum said that the key is to stop for a second before embracing any bad feeling.. to stop at your own self and not at others.. remember that the phrase is never they r bad and this y i hate them... its I HATE them because... its I HATE... and I shall never hate... they time passed and the kid grew doing everything so as to fly... and one day sitting at his parents house his daughter said that she learnt today at her nursery that only birds or things with wings can fly and that human beings can not... her father then smiled and told the girl to go ask her grandparents if she can fly or not.... flying is not about spinning in the air... its about that lightness of the soul that makes each step on earth feels like a spin in the air... :)
Beauty Standards
I am one of those who seeks beauty.. I wish and try to lose weight.. but when you come to think of it, what is beauty... does it really have a standard?...
why does a girl who is naturally overweight, try her best to lose weight and feel bad cuz she is not that thin...
why does a girl who is short, has to try to always wear high heels to look "better"...
in the past curvy women where the symbol of beauty and the paintings prove my words...
in the past connected thick eyebrows were wut women seek and there are videos to prove my words..
there was a time when chubby men, were sexy cuz it referred to wealthiness and nobel..
there was a time when the afro type hair and the charleston paints where the hit...
those beauty "standards" differed all over time and I bet that what is beautifull now was not beautifull in the past..
but the question is, is it really worth?.. or is it really true?
wut if a chubby girl can not lose weight...
I for example will never ever be that petite figure, just cuz i am super tall and there fore have big bones...
so should i just go kill myself...
wut about a skinny guy, who is not all into that gym and stuff.. should we also look down at him.. saying he is not up to the "standards"
the standards are different from one person to the other... wut i c as the meaning of beauty will never be the same as u c it.. u might even c it ugly..
I won't tell u that beauty is from within, as it is always said, just cuz it will never get to u.. but trust me one day u'll know it is true...
i'll tell u this... u'll never be beautiful until u r who u r .... u need to find that person and accept it.. though it is hard.. but trust me when u love it, others will follow...
I always tried to follow the standards, the norm... and always cried on not achieving the standards of "losing weight, having a bf" and all those things that say u r beautiful....
but it is never about that... u r beautiful cuz u simply r.. each and everyone of us is beautiful the way they r, the way they truly r, u just need to believe it and let other ppl c it...
look around and think who is beautiful, u'll find that we only see beauty when we love the person in front of us... i agree that appearance differ but only for seconds... there is much more than that...
u might think that ppl would skip on knowing you cuz of ur appearance.. i'll say yes, i thought so too... but know wut it turned out that it is not due to appearance, nor discriminations its due to those radiations you gave them... those saying you think u r better than me and that is why u will not get to know me... guess what this y they did not get to know.. u just told them not to.. u told them that u think they r a snob.. they did not do it on their own..
I can only asl for an experiment if you do not believe... spend 5 days saying to ur self that u r beautiful and ppl would love to know... each morning for atleast 10 times and before you go to sleep and if u r meeting someone important... trust that it will work and see...
send the radiations saying , i am a very interesting beautiful person and would love to get to know u.... and before sending it to ppl, send it to your own self... feel it.. trust it...
Also write a list of all those who u think brings you down for that.. check if they really do or is it just u... next time they try do not give them the chance.. believe in the saying "3agb nafsy" "I like who i am"...
beauty comes only from love... so love yourself, love the ppl and let them love u... only then u will b beautiful, even more than u ever thought u r or will be...
:)))
P.S.
this piece is inspired from one of the most beautiful friends i've ever known.. and i am not saying this as a "mogamla" bss wALLAHy for true... thnxx a zillion...
I also tagged different ppl which is not my usual thing.. but i thought i wanna share this one, with the special ppl and some who i thought would understand and appreciate it...
why does a girl who is naturally overweight, try her best to lose weight and feel bad cuz she is not that thin...
why does a girl who is short, has to try to always wear high heels to look "better"...
in the past curvy women where the symbol of beauty and the paintings prove my words...
in the past connected thick eyebrows were wut women seek and there are videos to prove my words..
there was a time when chubby men, were sexy cuz it referred to wealthiness and nobel..
there was a time when the afro type hair and the charleston paints where the hit...
those beauty "standards" differed all over time and I bet that what is beautifull now was not beautifull in the past..
but the question is, is it really worth?.. or is it really true?
wut if a chubby girl can not lose weight...
I for example will never ever be that petite figure, just cuz i am super tall and there fore have big bones...
so should i just go kill myself...
wut about a skinny guy, who is not all into that gym and stuff.. should we also look down at him.. saying he is not up to the "standards"
the standards are different from one person to the other... wut i c as the meaning of beauty will never be the same as u c it.. u might even c it ugly..
I won't tell u that beauty is from within, as it is always said, just cuz it will never get to u.. but trust me one day u'll know it is true...
i'll tell u this... u'll never be beautiful until u r who u r .... u need to find that person and accept it.. though it is hard.. but trust me when u love it, others will follow...
I always tried to follow the standards, the norm... and always cried on not achieving the standards of "losing weight, having a bf" and all those things that say u r beautiful....
but it is never about that... u r beautiful cuz u simply r.. each and everyone of us is beautiful the way they r, the way they truly r, u just need to believe it and let other ppl c it...
look around and think who is beautiful, u'll find that we only see beauty when we love the person in front of us... i agree that appearance differ but only for seconds... there is much more than that...
u might think that ppl would skip on knowing you cuz of ur appearance.. i'll say yes, i thought so too... but know wut it turned out that it is not due to appearance, nor discriminations its due to those radiations you gave them... those saying you think u r better than me and that is why u will not get to know me... guess what this y they did not get to know.. u just told them not to.. u told them that u think they r a snob.. they did not do it on their own..
I can only asl for an experiment if you do not believe... spend 5 days saying to ur self that u r beautiful and ppl would love to know... each morning for atleast 10 times and before you go to sleep and if u r meeting someone important... trust that it will work and see...
send the radiations saying , i am a very interesting beautiful person and would love to get to know u.... and before sending it to ppl, send it to your own self... feel it.. trust it...
Also write a list of all those who u think brings you down for that.. check if they really do or is it just u... next time they try do not give them the chance.. believe in the saying "3agb nafsy" "I like who i am"...
beauty comes only from love... so love yourself, love the ppl and let them love u... only then u will b beautiful, even more than u ever thought u r or will be...
:)))
P.S.
this piece is inspired from one of the most beautiful friends i've ever known.. and i am not saying this as a "mogamla" bss wALLAHy for true... thnxx a zillion...
I also tagged different ppl which is not my usual thing.. but i thought i wanna share this one, with the special ppl and some who i thought would understand and appreciate it...
Originality
Other words for originality are uniqueness, creativity and being different. If you said that something is original then you mean that it has an identity of its own. That it may stand up amongst many others and yet stay different. Originality is a really hard thing to accomplish and needs many times of trials, and yet after all it may not work and may end up with a complete failure. Originality means critique, it means that some may like and others may not. But it’s a target that is worth trying and working really hard for.
Uniqueness and creativity, does not only apply to the arts, as it may seem at a first glance; it also applies to the way we dress, the way we talk and the way we act. Being original may apply to each and every aspect in people’s lives; it may be that common thing in all the identities, that one thing that brings us all together and yet differentiates us all from each other.
The question here is, would people take the risk of being original or would it be easier to follow what have already been successful? Being original does not mean bringing a new thing out of nowhere, as it always comes from a place, but it means developing or treating what is already known to be our own, to have our identity and our originality. The resources could be the same but the product should always be different.
For some reason many, if not all, have been tamed into thinking that following someone else’s original is the right, strong and successful act. This belief’s use may vary, from one person to another, but it is a common viewpoint between many people. We may find it in the way we dress, what we eat, the way we talk, the music we make and listen to, the videos we make and watch, the movies we make and view and even in the way we love.
For some reason the “western” dream became our flawless picture, the aim we try very hard to accomplish. We tend to imitate what’s western to accomplish perfection or gain the admiration of everyone. We gave up our own culture for a new polished one, though our own culture is much older and more authentic than that new one, our culture has been originated before America was even discovered. Walking in the streets or sitting somewhere when you look around, almost everything lacks originality, like it does not have any real taste or direct relation to this culture or to the inner feelings of those people around. Do not misunderstand the words, and think that hatred towards what’s western is what I am calling for, or that I do not admit that they are more improved in many things; not at all, what I call for is taking their improvements and reproducing them but within our own culture, to make them ours. It is easier to just take the thing as it is, and also safer, as adding may not always be successful; but if you taste this success only once you’ll never go back to just taking the thing as it is. Its like buying some fast food and then adding your mums home made pepper like ingredient, would not it taste better.
In defense some may think that we are not up for that, or that we cannot compete. If you come to really think of it you will find that they also took many things from our culture and reproduced it to fit theirs, or tries to make their own versions of it. They loved the belly dancing, built places in the form of the pyramids, Mohamd Mounir’s music is highly appreciated in foreign countries and if try hard enough to think you will find many other examples.
In another defense people might say that in order to be successful here you have to copycat what is western, in order to get the admiration of everyone and especially the “elite”. May be many people tend to deviate towards what is western but this is only because we did not try really hard to produce and defend what is original, and for a matter of fact many people now are deviating back towards originality, towards belly dancing instead of salsa, towards going out in hossein instead of any fancy café and the examples go on and on.
People would think that trying that in a career is a suicidal mission. When talking about a career here the first thing that comes in mind is media and art, and the first example is Shakira. Shakira no matter how different people may get and that some might not think this is a good example, but the reason she succeeded at the beginning was not purely being attractive or the clothes, but it was daring to be different and to be original, she took dancing and music and treated it with her own origins, both from the west and the east and gave us the “Shakira style in dancing”, she made her own statement.
May be the reason behind this dilemma is that we are not that attached to our culture anymore, we do not really know it, due to the fascination of the western we do not get to run into what’s ours as frequent as running into what is western, and may unconsciously we become to think that when producing something that looks western, we are producing something that is stunning and original. Something that is western could be stunning and incredible, but the thing that makes me wonder is that if have enough technicalities to reproduce something that looks as good as the west, cannot we add just a little authentic creativity and make it really as good as the west, or even better, and not only looking as good as them.
For some reason adding some authentic creativity to the thing makes it closer to the heart; it gives a special feeling. That feeling that penetrates through the surface and gives it a soul, it is like its something that can be tasted. It takes the thing from the level of Excellency to the level of originality. To the level of marking history and not only following what have already been marked in history. That feeling of ownership, like it’s yours.
Again I repeat its risky and probably would end up with failure many time before achieving success, but it is definitely worth, its history making. So its either to take the risk and the burden of being authentic and therefore be a truly creative person? Or to simply follow and be a genius in what you chose to follow.
“ Two children were together and each was given a piece of paper and a pencil and asked for a flower, one drew a sun flower in a vase looking out of the window and the other drew a tulip in the hands of a small girl after shaping the piece of paper into a boat… original we were born, but with fear we grew to follow”
Uniqueness and creativity, does not only apply to the arts, as it may seem at a first glance; it also applies to the way we dress, the way we talk and the way we act. Being original may apply to each and every aspect in people’s lives; it may be that common thing in all the identities, that one thing that brings us all together and yet differentiates us all from each other.
The question here is, would people take the risk of being original or would it be easier to follow what have already been successful? Being original does not mean bringing a new thing out of nowhere, as it always comes from a place, but it means developing or treating what is already known to be our own, to have our identity and our originality. The resources could be the same but the product should always be different.
For some reason many, if not all, have been tamed into thinking that following someone else’s original is the right, strong and successful act. This belief’s use may vary, from one person to another, but it is a common viewpoint between many people. We may find it in the way we dress, what we eat, the way we talk, the music we make and listen to, the videos we make and watch, the movies we make and view and even in the way we love.
For some reason the “western” dream became our flawless picture, the aim we try very hard to accomplish. We tend to imitate what’s western to accomplish perfection or gain the admiration of everyone. We gave up our own culture for a new polished one, though our own culture is much older and more authentic than that new one, our culture has been originated before America was even discovered. Walking in the streets or sitting somewhere when you look around, almost everything lacks originality, like it does not have any real taste or direct relation to this culture or to the inner feelings of those people around. Do not misunderstand the words, and think that hatred towards what’s western is what I am calling for, or that I do not admit that they are more improved in many things; not at all, what I call for is taking their improvements and reproducing them but within our own culture, to make them ours. It is easier to just take the thing as it is, and also safer, as adding may not always be successful; but if you taste this success only once you’ll never go back to just taking the thing as it is. Its like buying some fast food and then adding your mums home made pepper like ingredient, would not it taste better.
In defense some may think that we are not up for that, or that we cannot compete. If you come to really think of it you will find that they also took many things from our culture and reproduced it to fit theirs, or tries to make their own versions of it. They loved the belly dancing, built places in the form of the pyramids, Mohamd Mounir’s music is highly appreciated in foreign countries and if try hard enough to think you will find many other examples.
In another defense people might say that in order to be successful here you have to copycat what is western, in order to get the admiration of everyone and especially the “elite”. May be many people tend to deviate towards what is western but this is only because we did not try really hard to produce and defend what is original, and for a matter of fact many people now are deviating back towards originality, towards belly dancing instead of salsa, towards going out in hossein instead of any fancy café and the examples go on and on.
People would think that trying that in a career is a suicidal mission. When talking about a career here the first thing that comes in mind is media and art, and the first example is Shakira. Shakira no matter how different people may get and that some might not think this is a good example, but the reason she succeeded at the beginning was not purely being attractive or the clothes, but it was daring to be different and to be original, she took dancing and music and treated it with her own origins, both from the west and the east and gave us the “Shakira style in dancing”, she made her own statement.
May be the reason behind this dilemma is that we are not that attached to our culture anymore, we do not really know it, due to the fascination of the western we do not get to run into what’s ours as frequent as running into what is western, and may unconsciously we become to think that when producing something that looks western, we are producing something that is stunning and original. Something that is western could be stunning and incredible, but the thing that makes me wonder is that if have enough technicalities to reproduce something that looks as good as the west, cannot we add just a little authentic creativity and make it really as good as the west, or even better, and not only looking as good as them.
For some reason adding some authentic creativity to the thing makes it closer to the heart; it gives a special feeling. That feeling that penetrates through the surface and gives it a soul, it is like its something that can be tasted. It takes the thing from the level of Excellency to the level of originality. To the level of marking history and not only following what have already been marked in history. That feeling of ownership, like it’s yours.
Again I repeat its risky and probably would end up with failure many time before achieving success, but it is definitely worth, its history making. So its either to take the risk and the burden of being authentic and therefore be a truly creative person? Or to simply follow and be a genius in what you chose to follow.
“ Two children were together and each was given a piece of paper and a pencil and asked for a flower, one drew a sun flower in a vase looking out of the window and the other drew a tulip in the hands of a small girl after shaping the piece of paper into a boat… original we were born, but with fear we grew to follow”
Addicted to Egypt
I looked around and saw everyone carin, everyone paying their last piaster to get enough credit to vote.. everyone saying its our degnity.. everyone sayin he has to win.. flyers and ads everywhere....
i looked around and wondered how come everyone cared for the same person..
so ppl said its only cuz they tackled the name of the country... its only a new trend.. the guy is talented... so i looked up and though only if everyday we got an extra ordinary talent and sm1 attacking the country...
I looked around and wondered about that crowd in the street every couple of days, wondered about that crowd in cafes, wondered about how eager we were to follow, how eager we were to support, how eager we were to celebrate and how happy we were with that last minute goal...
I looked around and wondered how for few nights every boarder disappeared, how we all became one person with one dream and one way to achieve it... I looked around and loved the unity....
I looked around and wondered if that is the case then for sure we love this country, then we are one nation, then we sure can do smthn..
and then ppl said its just that we really wanna celebrate anything, thats y we r one unity.. but nthn more.. I looked up and said only if everyday was an african nation cup match in egypt..
I looked around again and fund almost everyone sitting at the same time to eat.. even those who did not have to, most of them did as of respect..
I looked around and wondered about the empty streets, the gathered youth around food tables, the youth in the street with bags of dates or distributing meals.. i looked around around and wondered about my friend who did not have to fast, but did not eat till we all went out for a meal that day..
I looked around and saw everyone helping, everyone caring to get the food to the other, everyone sharing...
and then ppl said, its just the occasions, just those certain hours of the occasions, even in feasts.. its just the unity due to occasions.. and so i looked up and said only if everyday was an occasion...
I looked around and saw everyone feeling sorry.. everyone is sharing condolences and everyone feeling how painful it is to lose a grandson..
ppl said its only human nature to feel sorry for a 12 year old boy and a grandparent and so i looked up and said only if everyday we had a strong human feeling moved...
then the answer came, do not u think our love for this country and the eagerness to share all those moments are enough human feelings to get out unity out of bed everyday..
one we were in different situations and we always said its just this specific situation, though each one is different.. one we are in nature.. but we have to embrace.. each of these situations force me to believe that a change can be done and EGYPT's name can rise higher than ever.. but only if we left the denial aside and admit it.. we are addicted to this country..
its like any drug.. no matter how sick it might get us.. we just love those few seconds of life it gives us...
i looked around and wondered how come everyone cared for the same person..
so ppl said its only cuz they tackled the name of the country... its only a new trend.. the guy is talented... so i looked up and though only if everyday we got an extra ordinary talent and sm1 attacking the country...
I looked around and wondered about that crowd in the street every couple of days, wondered about that crowd in cafes, wondered about how eager we were to follow, how eager we were to support, how eager we were to celebrate and how happy we were with that last minute goal...
I looked around and wondered how for few nights every boarder disappeared, how we all became one person with one dream and one way to achieve it... I looked around and loved the unity....
I looked around and wondered if that is the case then for sure we love this country, then we are one nation, then we sure can do smthn..
and then ppl said its just that we really wanna celebrate anything, thats y we r one unity.. but nthn more.. I looked up and said only if everyday was an african nation cup match in egypt..
I looked around again and fund almost everyone sitting at the same time to eat.. even those who did not have to, most of them did as of respect..
I looked around and wondered about the empty streets, the gathered youth around food tables, the youth in the street with bags of dates or distributing meals.. i looked around around and wondered about my friend who did not have to fast, but did not eat till we all went out for a meal that day..
I looked around and saw everyone helping, everyone caring to get the food to the other, everyone sharing...
and then ppl said, its just the occasions, just those certain hours of the occasions, even in feasts.. its just the unity due to occasions.. and so i looked up and said only if everyday was an occasion...
I looked around and saw everyone feeling sorry.. everyone is sharing condolences and everyone feeling how painful it is to lose a grandson..
ppl said its only human nature to feel sorry for a 12 year old boy and a grandparent and so i looked up and said only if everyday we had a strong human feeling moved...
then the answer came, do not u think our love for this country and the eagerness to share all those moments are enough human feelings to get out unity out of bed everyday..
one we were in different situations and we always said its just this specific situation, though each one is different.. one we are in nature.. but we have to embrace.. each of these situations force me to believe that a change can be done and EGYPT's name can rise higher than ever.. but only if we left the denial aside and admit it.. we are addicted to this country..
its like any drug.. no matter how sick it might get us.. we just love those few seconds of life it gives us...
we had this huge problem.. but no we can not talk about it
The one issue that scares me most in relationships is communication…. Honestly I have never been in a relationship, but for some reason that I do not personally know, my friends, family and even colleagues consider me their “love doctor” the one who would tell them what to do to get things fixed.. And obviously (for some strange reason) I am good at it and things do get fixed at the end… one issue that I never figured out was the lack of communication between couples, whether married, engaged or even only in a relationship.. I personally always dreamt of being able to have an honest conversation with my significant other and to just pass things out, and from the experience in being in the middle of many fights, I can assure that this dream or wish became a solid requirement in any relationship that I am going to go into, at anytime… people say that I am dreaming and there will always be lies, secrets and manipulations, in the “good” sense, to get things done and keep the water running smoothly; and as a very stubborn person I refuse to go with the flow and keep the promise to myself to have honesty as a rule in my coming relationship… And as a result to that promise I opened a blank page in my sketch book and called it “ the no we can not talk about it page” and I started stating the reasons and how I would wish to get them fixed in my fairytale…
• We cannot talk about it because he/she’ll think I love him so much and that I am making fuzz for no reason, yet I hate what he did….
So would I rather have him doing the same mistake again and me hating it, than to tell him how I really feel in a simple objection. I would just hate what he did, keep it inside and make even a bigger fuzz on the next word he tells me, thought it might not deserve a simple objection and not a fuzz.
Or would I rather tell him how I felt, but he’ll think I love him so much and “madlo2a”, but if I do then he would rather know, either to appreciate it and take care of my fragile heart or just break it now and anyways to be hurt early on the road is much better than near the end.
On the other hand, how would I feel if I sensed that he loves me so much and was sensitive about a small thing, would that make him less of a man or something.. May be for some girls, but for me no, I’ll appreciate that golden heart, and again even if I was one of those other girls would I deserve that golden sensitive heart???..
• We cannot talk about it because he/she will make a huge fight and make it seem like my fault and I do not want “waga3 dimagh’”
So if I went to tell him what is on my mind, he will get upset, have a fight and I will have to fix things and apologize later on, though I was only honest.. then no I’ll just let it pass without saying a word..
But I was told before that problems do not go away by themselves and that I can not just fix things by silence, we have to get to talk and he has to get to listen, or else how would we manage the rest of our lives.. Will we always avoid “waga3 2ldimagh” and just be dishonest, then how would we teach that to our kids.
On the other hand if he came and told me something that made me upset or angry, I admit I might make a fight if it deserves, but on the other hand when I calm down I should not wait for an apology and just go talk about it as an adult.
“waga3 2ldimagh” will always be a part of our couples life, we just need to take our spiritual painkiller pills, sit down and try our best to listen and to find the nearest midway solution to things and if not then compromises does not seem bad, as long as it is based on a clear ground.
• We can not talk about it because he/she will not understand..
If he does not understand what is bothering me, then what am I doing here anyways. I am here to explain to him and try to reach him with any possible way and even if at the end he did not get it, then at least he has the honor of trying, listening and feeling.
And if I am the one who is expected to understand, I should try by all possible ways, ask all the questions I need till I get it, and even if I could not I have to make sure to at least feel it.
In a relationship we will not always be clear or able to totally understand each other, but we shall always work on feeling each other.
• We cannot talk about it because talking will not fix what happened, it might even make it worse.
This line is usually said after a fight about something. I do not think my significant other and me will ever understand a fight without hearing both sides out loud and honestly. Whether this fight is huge or small, this should be the way to get rid of it, by talking it away. Either directly after it “2drab 2l7aded w hwa sokhn” or after things calm. This will always depend on the situation and on both of us.
I am sure there so many other situations and I know that this still seems like a dream, but all I have in defense is admitting that I do dream of that life… I know it will never be that simple and that I will have to lie or manipulate some truths and I am sure that I’ll agree for my other half to do so also, but I hope we could minimize that as much as possible, only to keep the aura of our relationship as clear as possible… I think it can be manageable or I hope it can be manageable… As one day when we grow old together, like really old, our words would be the only things we got to offer each other and I do not want us to discover then that we spent our whole love life running away from those words of our own.
….☺
• We cannot talk about it because he/she’ll think I love him so much and that I am making fuzz for no reason, yet I hate what he did….
So would I rather have him doing the same mistake again and me hating it, than to tell him how I really feel in a simple objection. I would just hate what he did, keep it inside and make even a bigger fuzz on the next word he tells me, thought it might not deserve a simple objection and not a fuzz.
Or would I rather tell him how I felt, but he’ll think I love him so much and “madlo2a”, but if I do then he would rather know, either to appreciate it and take care of my fragile heart or just break it now and anyways to be hurt early on the road is much better than near the end.
On the other hand, how would I feel if I sensed that he loves me so much and was sensitive about a small thing, would that make him less of a man or something.. May be for some girls, but for me no, I’ll appreciate that golden heart, and again even if I was one of those other girls would I deserve that golden sensitive heart???..
• We cannot talk about it because he/she will make a huge fight and make it seem like my fault and I do not want “waga3 dimagh’”
So if I went to tell him what is on my mind, he will get upset, have a fight and I will have to fix things and apologize later on, though I was only honest.. then no I’ll just let it pass without saying a word..
But I was told before that problems do not go away by themselves and that I can not just fix things by silence, we have to get to talk and he has to get to listen, or else how would we manage the rest of our lives.. Will we always avoid “waga3 2ldimagh” and just be dishonest, then how would we teach that to our kids.
On the other hand if he came and told me something that made me upset or angry, I admit I might make a fight if it deserves, but on the other hand when I calm down I should not wait for an apology and just go talk about it as an adult.
“waga3 2ldimagh” will always be a part of our couples life, we just need to take our spiritual painkiller pills, sit down and try our best to listen and to find the nearest midway solution to things and if not then compromises does not seem bad, as long as it is based on a clear ground.
• We can not talk about it because he/she will not understand..
If he does not understand what is bothering me, then what am I doing here anyways. I am here to explain to him and try to reach him with any possible way and even if at the end he did not get it, then at least he has the honor of trying, listening and feeling.
And if I am the one who is expected to understand, I should try by all possible ways, ask all the questions I need till I get it, and even if I could not I have to make sure to at least feel it.
In a relationship we will not always be clear or able to totally understand each other, but we shall always work on feeling each other.
• We cannot talk about it because talking will not fix what happened, it might even make it worse.
This line is usually said after a fight about something. I do not think my significant other and me will ever understand a fight without hearing both sides out loud and honestly. Whether this fight is huge or small, this should be the way to get rid of it, by talking it away. Either directly after it “2drab 2l7aded w hwa sokhn” or after things calm. This will always depend on the situation and on both of us.
I am sure there so many other situations and I know that this still seems like a dream, but all I have in defense is admitting that I do dream of that life… I know it will never be that simple and that I will have to lie or manipulate some truths and I am sure that I’ll agree for my other half to do so also, but I hope we could minimize that as much as possible, only to keep the aura of our relationship as clear as possible… I think it can be manageable or I hope it can be manageable… As one day when we grow old together, like really old, our words would be the only things we got to offer each other and I do not want us to discover then that we spent our whole love life running away from those words of our own.
….☺
Sorry Life but I want to LIVE..
at certain moments it may feel like just looking life straight in the eyes and saying.. "i'm sorry but i really want to live"...
this could be my biggest sin and the reason of all my problems with u...
in order to be happy with u.. i should have a good job, get married and have a good life.. i think this is how it all "should" go...
i agree this would be great.. but i want also to live..
i want to have a stable job with a stable income, but won't it be better to have the job i dream of.. and in order to do that i have sometimes to give up that "stability" for prohibition months in another job that might even be the exact one i want... sorry, but i want to live...
I want to be that "respectable"/"descent" person, but i want to go learn "tabla" and play pro one day and also want to learn contemporary dancing and get to do my own musical one day... sorry, but i want to live..
I also want to behave like a girl who is old enough to get married, but could not resist taking that whistling toy in my niece's birthday and play with it... sorry, i know i was the only grown up doing that.. sorry, but i want to live...
I want to meet that one and act like a girl who wants to fall in love.. but i also have no time as i want to build my career, i want to try to take good care of my friends or even c them, i want to c my family.. sorry but i want to live...
I want to behave like a lady who "the one"s parents would like to meet .. but i am not into all that lady look.. i would rather wear my self painted t-shirt... sorry, but i want to live..
i want to fall in love and get married soon.. but i also want to have my own house with a golden retriever and an open space for dancing, music and painting.... sorry, but i want to live..
i want to be a mum and drive my kids to school.. but i am dying to drive a motorcycle one day... sorry, but i want to live..
i want and want and want.. but also, but also and but also...
its so funny how living becomes the one obstacle in wanting to live...
its so funny how complicated it became that living is that different from wanting to live...
i agree that i have to live... but i also have to at least try to live the life i want to live.. that life that i can see and am craving with all my guts...
may be i am wrong and i am giving up life at the exact moment that i think i am wanting to live.
may b i was wrong giving up that secured marriage opportunity for wanting another opportunity that might give me life and not just a wedding ring...
may b i was wrong giving up that secured high salary job for another job that have not even come yet... another job that might give me life and not just few hundreds...
may b i wrong and wrong and wrong...
but also i cannot help it.. I WANT TO LIVE.... even if that craving for life means going against life itself... i am not giving up...
may b life tells me at a moment that i was wrong... but that craving tells me i was never more right.... and even if the situations change later but back then i knew it.. i wanted to live...
sorry life, but i want to live and so i won't stop and just accept not even for u, the one thing i truly crave...
this could be my biggest sin and the reason of all my problems with u...
in order to be happy with u.. i should have a good job, get married and have a good life.. i think this is how it all "should" go...
i agree this would be great.. but i want also to live..
i want to have a stable job with a stable income, but won't it be better to have the job i dream of.. and in order to do that i have sometimes to give up that "stability" for prohibition months in another job that might even be the exact one i want... sorry, but i want to live...
I want to be that "respectable"/"descent" person, but i want to go learn "tabla" and play pro one day and also want to learn contemporary dancing and get to do my own musical one day... sorry, but i want to live..
I also want to behave like a girl who is old enough to get married, but could not resist taking that whistling toy in my niece's birthday and play with it... sorry, i know i was the only grown up doing that.. sorry, but i want to live...
I want to meet that one and act like a girl who wants to fall in love.. but i also have no time as i want to build my career, i want to try to take good care of my friends or even c them, i want to c my family.. sorry but i want to live...
I want to behave like a lady who "the one"s parents would like to meet .. but i am not into all that lady look.. i would rather wear my self painted t-shirt... sorry, but i want to live..
i want to fall in love and get married soon.. but i also want to have my own house with a golden retriever and an open space for dancing, music and painting.... sorry, but i want to live..
i want to be a mum and drive my kids to school.. but i am dying to drive a motorcycle one day... sorry, but i want to live..
i want and want and want.. but also, but also and but also...
its so funny how living becomes the one obstacle in wanting to live...
its so funny how complicated it became that living is that different from wanting to live...
i agree that i have to live... but i also have to at least try to live the life i want to live.. that life that i can see and am craving with all my guts...
may be i am wrong and i am giving up life at the exact moment that i think i am wanting to live.
may b i was wrong giving up that secured marriage opportunity for wanting another opportunity that might give me life and not just a wedding ring...
may b i was wrong giving up that secured high salary job for another job that have not even come yet... another job that might give me life and not just few hundreds...
may b i wrong and wrong and wrong...
but also i cannot help it.. I WANT TO LIVE.... even if that craving for life means going against life itself... i am not giving up...
may b life tells me at a moment that i was wrong... but that craving tells me i was never more right.... and even if the situations change later but back then i knew it.. i wanted to live...
sorry life, but i want to live and so i won't stop and just accept not even for u, the one thing i truly crave...
Whatever happened to that grey shade.. or even one single grey line
It has been a while since I went out with my friends to do something fun... Each and every time we talk to arrange some hangout we say we want it different and fun, but we end up going to some restaurant, cafe or a movie... We change the places, the faces, but still not really fun.. at least not for me... So I was wondering what would be fun?.. for me personally i wanna go to some place with a dancing piste, some music, may be fun sketches, I do not really know.. some place where I can sit comfortably, laugh and everything... But then I hit reality, these places are there but not for us... Most of the places with dancing pistes, has alcohol and do not allow veiled girls.. so obviously no the place that I can go to normally.. Even if the allowed veiled girls, I do not like people drinking around me, I know alcohol is a bad thing to people, I have seen its effect on a dear person and I do not like it... And still this is not fun... And then I wondered why can not we have a normal place, like the usual hangouts but with a dancing piste or some band playing if they want, without any "impure" things... I do not mean impure, I do not know how to put it, I mean for that place to become an ordinary place where a girl or some girls can just go hang out at without any worries, or anything... why do people have to either accept the drinking, unveiled and preferably couple rules in order to have some fun... It might not be the perfect place for people who drink as they want to drink, but at least it will give them the opportunity to have fun with the friends that could not tag along in the other places...
In order to solve that problem for my ownself i thought that may be house party is the solution, for me and those friends who feel the same... But for some strange reason I figured out that even that concept have disappeared from our culture... or atleast from some parts of it, which is the part I am talking about... Its either You have a reason for the party or no party.. though if we go back to the old film, they had house parties, may be yes the upper status and it included drinking, but that cause drinking was a normal thing and again it depends on who is holding it and who is attending if we agree on no drinking then the rule is set.. but again its not totally understood, people do not actually go with this suggestion... its like there has to be something "impure" or something... specially after a certain age and if both genders are there.... my usual answer to that is "whattt?"... I do not understand why, but that is how many people think... this is how most of the neighbors would think.. so since i'm a girl and do not wanna cause my parents any trouble, even if they are cool enough to understand,, the finaly answer to house parties was a big fat NO...
About neighbors and parents.. I was hanging out in a mall on valentine's day with a dear male friend... he had nothing to do and I was going to buy some stuff and he knew where to get them from, so he came with me to show me from where, gentle of him of course.. and much better than spending valentine's day at home... and yup he is just a friend, actualy a bestfriend and a brother.. BROTHER i said... so when I came home, I was telling my mum that I ran into the son of our neighbors at the shop and we greeted each other and he was polite... my mum's reaction was "so he saw u with ".....""... so i was like "yeah"... and the coming verse caused me a complete complete shock "so now he would think that he's ur bf and .......... "... I honestly did not hear the rest of the phrase, due to my mum's facial expression... all i heard was that little voice in my head running everywhere, banging in all my skull's walls and screaming "oh my GOD the virus got into my house, it got my mum, what should I do, what should I dooo?"... it reminded me with that english movie, "the faculty" when even their dear friends where turning into aliens... so i finally calmed the voice and stopped my mum.. stating "1. i ran into a grown up guy... 2. why would they care .. 3. I was buying something from a store in a mall on valentine's day... 5. its not like i ran away from the guy, i greated him normaly, cause it is a normal wituation... 4.I do not care..."... and left with complete shock that my mum, who was not raised in egypt, whose father was an ambasodor and travelled to different places and who has a male bestfriend who I consider un uncle just thought this way.. just cause she is scared about me from some "beliefs".... then after a few minutes i went back to her and asked.. "so what if I had a bf, and was just hanging out somewhere with him holding hands..and that same neighbour saw me.... there's nothing wrong with that, atleast not for me and not for u.. specially that when i have a bf you, my dad and everyone would know.. its not like its wrong i'm 21 years old, never had a bf cause i am not a play girl i try to take right decisions, so when i have one this means he's great"... and even if I was not al that... It simply means I'm in love and there's nothing on earth wrong with being in love and being open about it... normalllll.... its normal to fall in love and its normal to hangout with male friends even if alone, there nothing wrong behind that...
May be its just me... but its like in everything we do we're expected to chose between two extremes... which i can not honestly name... but some are on extreme, just cause they can not find a middle... people would say there is nothing as a middle.. i will always say there are different shades of grey so do not act... I do not know.. I do not think its only me who wants a grey shade and refusing to fall for one of the extremes... I hope that one day i'll get that grey shade and go have a fun hangout with my friends... :)
In order to solve that problem for my ownself i thought that may be house party is the solution, for me and those friends who feel the same... But for some strange reason I figured out that even that concept have disappeared from our culture... or atleast from some parts of it, which is the part I am talking about... Its either You have a reason for the party or no party.. though if we go back to the old film, they had house parties, may be yes the upper status and it included drinking, but that cause drinking was a normal thing and again it depends on who is holding it and who is attending if we agree on no drinking then the rule is set.. but again its not totally understood, people do not actually go with this suggestion... its like there has to be something "impure" or something... specially after a certain age and if both genders are there.... my usual answer to that is "whattt?"... I do not understand why, but that is how many people think... this is how most of the neighbors would think.. so since i'm a girl and do not wanna cause my parents any trouble, even if they are cool enough to understand,, the finaly answer to house parties was a big fat NO...
About neighbors and parents.. I was hanging out in a mall on valentine's day with a dear male friend... he had nothing to do and I was going to buy some stuff and he knew where to get them from, so he came with me to show me from where, gentle of him of course.. and much better than spending valentine's day at home... and yup he is just a friend, actualy a bestfriend and a brother.. BROTHER i said... so when I came home, I was telling my mum that I ran into the son of our neighbors at the shop and we greeted each other and he was polite... my mum's reaction was "so he saw u with ".....""... so i was like "yeah"... and the coming verse caused me a complete complete shock "so now he would think that he's ur bf and .......... "... I honestly did not hear the rest of the phrase, due to my mum's facial expression... all i heard was that little voice in my head running everywhere, banging in all my skull's walls and screaming "oh my GOD the virus got into my house, it got my mum, what should I do, what should I dooo?"... it reminded me with that english movie, "the faculty" when even their dear friends where turning into aliens... so i finally calmed the voice and stopped my mum.. stating "1. i ran into a grown up guy... 2. why would they care .. 3. I was buying something from a store in a mall on valentine's day... 5. its not like i ran away from the guy, i greated him normaly, cause it is a normal wituation... 4.I do not care..."... and left with complete shock that my mum, who was not raised in egypt, whose father was an ambasodor and travelled to different places and who has a male bestfriend who I consider un uncle just thought this way.. just cause she is scared about me from some "beliefs".... then after a few minutes i went back to her and asked.. "so what if I had a bf, and was just hanging out somewhere with him holding hands..and that same neighbour saw me.... there's nothing wrong with that, atleast not for me and not for u.. specially that when i have a bf you, my dad and everyone would know.. its not like its wrong i'm 21 years old, never had a bf cause i am not a play girl i try to take right decisions, so when i have one this means he's great"... and even if I was not al that... It simply means I'm in love and there's nothing on earth wrong with being in love and being open about it... normalllll.... its normal to fall in love and its normal to hangout with male friends even if alone, there nothing wrong behind that...
May be its just me... but its like in everything we do we're expected to chose between two extremes... which i can not honestly name... but some are on extreme, just cause they can not find a middle... people would say there is nothing as a middle.. i will always say there are different shades of grey so do not act... I do not know.. I do not think its only me who wants a grey shade and refusing to fall for one of the extremes... I hope that one day i'll get that grey shade and go have a fun hangout with my friends... :)
in love... or dreaming
my first trial in digital painting.. just paying around... using iphone colors... :)
Exit/Fit video
Mixed Media Project... with almost no experience.. and done in only one day...
and an attempt to see how animation go from real paintings with noooooo idea how it should actually be done... ;)
The Should and the should not
A Mixed Media short film , that I made with no former experience and very short time for the due date. ;).
In life people around us tend to tell us what should and should not be done, limiting our lives, the thing is if we stopped to look will find that most of the times those telling us should and should not are the closest to us, while we expect them to be the ones who set us free.
Filmed and edited in 2 days or even a day and a half, with a first time to use everything, the camera, the editing program and everything. ():)
i have a dream of mixing painting with real footage ... i am just crazy :)
religion is between a person and GOD... enough said
i'm wondering wut happened to the phrase "2ldeen lil ALLAH"... or that religion is a thing between a person and GOD.. i've been running to all those groups against veil or "niqab", or others totally with and how a good muslim gurl should not put a profile pic. and all those stuff.. and it just got me wondering y does it have to be either that or this... and y do we have to move in a general rule.. y does this group should say things that hurt a gurl who is veiled or wearing niqb and y does the other should hurt people not wearing it... y cant we just live and let others live.. i admit it i get sad when sm1 i know takes off her veil, just cuz i think its a nice thing and i think its a loss to take it off... but its still the same person and if i luv her, i luv her... its between her and GOD i'm sure she has her reasons and i hope that GOD will accept them and 4give.. may b even she's a better person from inside than any other person, u never know. this also implies on sm1 who's not veiled from the beginning.. on the other hand i have a personal issue with niqab, just cuz i get phobic when i see lots of black around me, i just lose concentration and get a short breath, but at the same time under it there could b a gr8 person whose convinced that its the right thing and doing it for GOD, so y should we attack that person.. she's giving up a huge thing to please GOD and at the same time she accepts me so y should not i accept her... only GOD knows wuts right and wuts wrong.. a person is not what they wear.. i can't say i'm a religious person, or either that i am properly veiled, but i do wut i can or wut i feel is right ..and think that as long as i am tryin to b good 4m the inside then i am on the safe side, may b i am wrong, u never know..... "2inma 2l23mal blniat"... i know sm people won't like my words and think i should defend religion more than that, but i just chose to remember that "2ldeen mo3amla", we r "deen 2lsalam" and last "2ldeen lilALLAH".. dnt judge its not our job, GOD is the only judge when it comes to religion.. we'll never know who is right or wrong till judgment day... there are some certainties but even then GOD 4give, even a person who we c as leadin a very wrong path, GOD has enough mercy to grant him peace & heaven if HE thinks that that person deserves it... people deserve it due to the purity of the inside and their efforts to be good (not only in wut they wear, but in many many other aspects)...
this is just my opinnion and had to let it out b4 i explode... thnxx
this is just my opinnion and had to let it out b4 i explode... thnxx
i just felt that had to say...
It’s Thursday. December 25, 2008… 11:30 PM
I do not know why tonight and why do I have that much feeling within me tonight.. For the first time I just can’t hold myself… I am keeping myself from telling you this face to face with all the power I got… I am keeping myself cuz I do not wanna lose u… I’m never going to lose u, cuz I just can’t….
Tonight I wanna tell you smthings
I do not know why but I felt that I have to say I love you…
I have to say that when a day goes by without knowing anything about you I die..
I have to say that you mean the world to me..
I was listening to that song on my way home when the singer was sayin smthn like, if u r depressed or down then wut is my function in life and I just felt like I should be saying this to u..
I wanna tell you much more but just can’t write may b if I could just let my eyes open up into urs…
Tonight I wanna tell u I love u, lay into ur arms and sleep..
I wann tell u I love u close my eyes and smile…
I wanna tell u I love u and just see my smile in ur eyes…
Tonight I wish I could say I love u and hear it back from u…
Tonight I wanna thank u 4 being the best thing in my life…
May b u r not my bf, may b u r not my present and may b u won’t b my future…
But u r the one who made me really say I love u…
I want to thank u for being u and for making me who I am…
May b u don’t know all this… but I know it and that’s enough for me…
May be tomorrow you won’t be around, may be tomorrow I won’t be around, may b tomorrow I’ll surrender to being with sm1 else as I am not with you.. I don’t know wut exactly will tomorrow bring and I surely hope it will bring us closer.. but all I know is that:
tonight I feel like I have to tell you
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU
And more importantly tonight and every night I wish you the best ever…
I do not know why tonight and why do I have that much feeling within me tonight.. For the first time I just can’t hold myself… I am keeping myself from telling you this face to face with all the power I got… I am keeping myself cuz I do not wanna lose u… I’m never going to lose u, cuz I just can’t….
Tonight I wanna tell you smthings
I do not know why but I felt that I have to say I love you…
I have to say that when a day goes by without knowing anything about you I die..
I have to say that you mean the world to me..
I was listening to that song on my way home when the singer was sayin smthn like, if u r depressed or down then wut is my function in life and I just felt like I should be saying this to u..
I wanna tell you much more but just can’t write may b if I could just let my eyes open up into urs…
Tonight I wanna tell u I love u, lay into ur arms and sleep..
I wann tell u I love u close my eyes and smile…
I wanna tell u I love u and just see my smile in ur eyes…
Tonight I wish I could say I love u and hear it back from u…
Tonight I wanna thank u 4 being the best thing in my life…
May b u r not my bf, may b u r not my present and may b u won’t b my future…
But u r the one who made me really say I love u…
I want to thank u for being u and for making me who I am…
May b u don’t know all this… but I know it and that’s enough for me…
May be tomorrow you won’t be around, may be tomorrow I won’t be around, may b tomorrow I’ll surrender to being with sm1 else as I am not with you.. I don’t know wut exactly will tomorrow bring and I surely hope it will bring us closer.. but all I know is that:
tonight I feel like I have to tell you
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU
And more importantly tonight and every night I wish you the best ever…
To My Future Husband… whoever He is
Although i dnt even have a b.f. yet, i am already apologizing.. i am sorry 4 all the hard time i am gonna give u.. i am sorry 4 freaking out, every time we just quarrel.. i am sorry i am so scared of even thinkin of quarreling.. i am sorry 4 bein scared of startin a relationship cuz it might end.. i am sorry i might act crazy cuz i am scared.. but believe me its not my fault that i am scared... i am just a normal little gurl who grew up in the 1990's and 2000's.. the time that u rarely find a happy couple... the time when divorce is a very normal word.. the time when u cant find a home with no fighting parents.. the time when all sorts of couples are unhappy, whether married/engaged/committed and even open relationships.. time when girls and boys seek marriage but once they get there they start missing the "single" times..time of youth who grew up cherishing love,, but never found that fairytale kind of it that they have cherished.. time of mislead youth... i'm sorry i have a fragile heart that got scared.. i am sorry u'll have to do much effort to assure me so as not to run.. i am sorry i'll have the will to run and run very fast, cuz i'll b runnin 4 my life... i am sorry that i might push u away with all the force i got, like i did and still do with every guy who likes me .. i am sorry u'll have to tolerate all this... i'm sorry i grew up in the time of "quarrel love" and not the "fairytale love"..:)
I'm this and that
I know that taking off my veil might make u view me in a different way... may b u’ll love me more…
I know that my dream is even farther with my veil on…
I know that a veiled girl learning to dance, wanting to dance and to do a musical is hard…
I know that many ppl keep some distance till they know me better just cause I cover my hair…
I know I am not properly veiled and that the way I dress is many times impropriate for veil..
I know…. I know and I know… loadz of reasons loads of fights in my head…
But I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE IT OFF..
I admit that many times I do not behave according to it, but at least its something that I can do…
It is not that I look better this way, its that I feel happy wearing it..
I see myself achieving my dreams with the cover my head.. Yes I want to do my musical with the cover on my head, its hard but I wish that ppl would wake up smday and not keep the distance cuz of the way other ppl, dress, look or talk…
I do not want to think each and every time before I act in life …
I agree a veiled girl should respect wut she’s wearing but isn’t she allowed to dream also…
I dream, I dream of falling in love purely, I dream of doing a great Egyptian musical screenplay one day, I dream of an artistic screenplay, I dream of people recognizing the difference in both my characters the one in life and the one who wants heaven one day may be.. I dream of a lot of things and I see my self achieving them in my veil and only I my veil…
Even if it would make you all feel better if I took it off, it won’t make me, cuz I wanna be with it on.. I know that to do these stuff I’ll even be more hated, I know that its not just an outfit, but its an attitude.. it is my attitude in wut I do and who I am.. in trying not to lie, not to be evil, not to jurdge, not to deceive and not to hate…
I admit I might be wrong in wut I dream of or in wut I want to do.. may be they do not go together… but they are both me… I find myself in both and taking one from me would just kill me…so as I said I don’t care, I just don’t… I’m this and that… full stop.
I know that my dream is even farther with my veil on…
I know that a veiled girl learning to dance, wanting to dance and to do a musical is hard…
I know that many ppl keep some distance till they know me better just cause I cover my hair…
I know I am not properly veiled and that the way I dress is many times impropriate for veil..
I know…. I know and I know… loadz of reasons loads of fights in my head…
But I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE IT OFF..
I admit that many times I do not behave according to it, but at least its something that I can do…
It is not that I look better this way, its that I feel happy wearing it..
I see myself achieving my dreams with the cover my head.. Yes I want to do my musical with the cover on my head, its hard but I wish that ppl would wake up smday and not keep the distance cuz of the way other ppl, dress, look or talk…
I do not want to think each and every time before I act in life …
I agree a veiled girl should respect wut she’s wearing but isn’t she allowed to dream also…
I dream, I dream of falling in love purely, I dream of doing a great Egyptian musical screenplay one day, I dream of an artistic screenplay, I dream of people recognizing the difference in both my characters the one in life and the one who wants heaven one day may be.. I dream of a lot of things and I see my self achieving them in my veil and only I my veil…
Even if it would make you all feel better if I took it off, it won’t make me, cuz I wanna be with it on.. I know that to do these stuff I’ll even be more hated, I know that its not just an outfit, but its an attitude.. it is my attitude in wut I do and who I am.. in trying not to lie, not to be evil, not to jurdge, not to deceive and not to hate…
I admit I might be wrong in wut I dream of or in wut I want to do.. may be they do not go together… but they are both me… I find myself in both and taking one from me would just kill me…so as I said I don’t care, I just don’t… I’m this and that… full stop.
We have a nice jewelry shop down our street...
We have a nice jewelry shop down our street, I used to pass by that shop almost everyday… each time the sales person changed, he changed the stuff put out for the public to see behind the glass of the display window… sometimes I liked what they displayed other times the sales people try to convince me to buy stuff I did not want… recently the sales person changed and he put a necklace in the display window, first I did not notice, then one day the sales person said hi and the second day a friend of mine told me did u see that necklace it would look great on you… so I noticed the necklace and I admit that I started to like it and started to think of having it, but I did not go inside the shop to buy… I spent some days just looking at it through the display window.. Each and everyday I stopped on my way just to look at it, to get to know if it would fit… the sales person watched me everyday look at the necklace.. One day, when I was thinking of taking the action of buying it, the sales person came suddenly out of the store and told me that the necklace had someone’s name carved on it in one of the joints… I was totally chocked, how come I did not see that name, I looked at it very carefully… I went back outside and looked at it again and funny enough I could not see the name…. I walked back home wondering how come I did not see the name?... how come the sales person never told me that there’s a name on it?... what did he want me to do, did he expect me to ask him to change the name for me? But I could never do that; if it belongs to sm1 else then I have no right to ask for it... did he expect to cry for the necklace? I would not do that, specially not in front of him.. Was his intentions that I just enter the shop and may be then I would buy something else?.. May be the sales person felt that I was going to buy it and he did not want to let go of it, so he lied? But why I would have taken good care of it.. Or may be he did not notice my interest in the necklace from the beginning? And he just thought that I was interested in something else in the shop? But if someone is looking at a certain necklace why would she buy something else... but even if how come I never saw the carvings on the necklace… I am almost sure that it does not have a name… may be it does and I just did not notice… there’s something missing… I just do not understand, I am sure that there’s something missing… May be there is not and it is all just a misunderstanding… may be I just have to decide what I am going to do about it.. Whether just not to pass by that shop anymore, or should I pass by it like any other shop in the street and never give that necklace any attention again, or should I just turn back and enter the shop and scream at the sales person “what!!”.. Sometimes I wish people believed in honesty just as I did, all my troubles would have been washed away due to that…I do not know but yet I think there’s something missing..
Bitinganania .. My world
i wanna fall in luv with a "bitingan" person..:D...this is the word i reached at the end after a conversation about my dream guy... yesss my dream guy is a bitingan, just like me...so to my bitingan half where ever you are here's my wish list from u and wut i ofer u as a bitingana gurl...lol
to A bitingan guy
Before being officially together, I want you to come to me with roses and just tell me directly that u like me and wants us to try to be together, cuz you know that i won't get any signs...
i want you to tell me that u love without leaving me around wondering whether you do or not and at the same time know i need you to tell me just cuz i luv u enough to know that having you is a miracle and a dream that i need to make sure its true each and every second..
i want u to take me 2 dancin lessons and at the same time give me a missed when we wake to pray fajr..
i want u to hold me when i most need u to, or in photos and esp. when we run into one of ur ex.s, but in normal times keep it normal and keep in mind that i'm not an easy gurl in anyway...
i want u to let me give u a hug when i most want to, but never wonder y i did or if i should have done it..cuz u know i'll be wondering enough for both of us and thinkin a million times...
i also want u to come and assure me that u know i luv u and feel safe with u and that u luv me more than anythin in the world..
i want u to take me runnin in the rain and singing and at the same time call me the next mornin to wish me luck in my work (college)..
i want u to take me to formal occasions, but let me wear the least formal i can wear, cuz u just know that i cant handle it...
i wanna b able to fall asleep if we are sitting on the beach or smthn, knowin that u will put ur jacket over my shoulders to keep me 4m gettin cold and will just look at me as if i am ur daughter and u wanna keep me safe 4m everythin
let me cry the night over a simple mistake at work and call me next morning to tell me that i am gonna do awesome at work 2day and how yesterday's mistake has passed...
I want you to get me a fanous each and every ramdan and let me cook u iftar at least once, even if it would be the worst meal ever...
as a bitingana gurl
i'll let u flirt with gurls, its normal, but b sure it will never pass flirting limits...
i'll always remind that i luv u more than anythin, but also will always remind u that the day u dnt luv me bk u r free to go...
i'll let u go on guyz nights out with out any disturbing phone calls, but would luv if u disturb me on my gurls night out with a nice miss u msg or phone call..
i wont fight over stuff, i'll just mumble a little and then talk sanely about it...
i'll always give u the most prestigious look in front of everyone, but will expect u to give the ultimate trust between us...
i will stop any guy who flirts with me even for a second and will remind them immediately that i have a man, but at the same time i get to keep my best male friends..
i'll never (almost never) tell ppl (esp. mum) if u did hurt me by anyway or did anythin wrong,, but at the same time expect the hugest fuss if the trust or the respect line between us was once broken..
I will always respect your friendship with girls, even bestfrnds, and will never interfere or even get jealous, but at the the same time i have to know i have a special and unique placement in your heart and life ...
in bitinganania world
we dnt judge ppl from the outside... we c how they r with us and try 2 c their inside...
we trust each other more than anythin else and are honest with each other to the utmost limits...
we care about each other enough to set each other free and fly side by side, by choice not by leash...
each person does what he/she wants, as long as they feel its right and its comin from their heart... they dnt fear ppl judgin or the "norm standards"...
there are no "norm" standards, there are only "heart and guts" standards..we dnt do smthn cuz ppl wants us to.. we only do that for sm1 we luv or care about.. even then we r crazy enough to think if they luv us, they'll accept us...;)
these are wut i can think of right now,,, will be addin to this list constantly.. (and yeah when it comes to romance i still live in disney world ;))
to A bitingan guy
Before being officially together, I want you to come to me with roses and just tell me directly that u like me and wants us to try to be together, cuz you know that i won't get any signs...
i want you to tell me that u love without leaving me around wondering whether you do or not and at the same time know i need you to tell me just cuz i luv u enough to know that having you is a miracle and a dream that i need to make sure its true each and every second..
i want u to take me 2 dancin lessons and at the same time give me a missed when we wake to pray fajr..
i want u to hold me when i most need u to, or in photos and esp. when we run into one of ur ex.s, but in normal times keep it normal and keep in mind that i'm not an easy gurl in anyway...
i want u to let me give u a hug when i most want to, but never wonder y i did or if i should have done it..cuz u know i'll be wondering enough for both of us and thinkin a million times...
i also want u to come and assure me that u know i luv u and feel safe with u and that u luv me more than anythin in the world..
i want u to take me runnin in the rain and singing and at the same time call me the next mornin to wish me luck in my work (college)..
i want u to take me to formal occasions, but let me wear the least formal i can wear, cuz u just know that i cant handle it...
i wanna b able to fall asleep if we are sitting on the beach or smthn, knowin that u will put ur jacket over my shoulders to keep me 4m gettin cold and will just look at me as if i am ur daughter and u wanna keep me safe 4m everythin
let me cry the night over a simple mistake at work and call me next morning to tell me that i am gonna do awesome at work 2day and how yesterday's mistake has passed...
I want you to get me a fanous each and every ramdan and let me cook u iftar at least once, even if it would be the worst meal ever...
as a bitingana gurl
i'll let u flirt with gurls, its normal, but b sure it will never pass flirting limits...
i'll always remind that i luv u more than anythin, but also will always remind u that the day u dnt luv me bk u r free to go...
i'll let u go on guyz nights out with out any disturbing phone calls, but would luv if u disturb me on my gurls night out with a nice miss u msg or phone call..
i wont fight over stuff, i'll just mumble a little and then talk sanely about it...
i'll always give u the most prestigious look in front of everyone, but will expect u to give the ultimate trust between us...
i will stop any guy who flirts with me even for a second and will remind them immediately that i have a man, but at the same time i get to keep my best male friends..
i'll never (almost never) tell ppl (esp. mum) if u did hurt me by anyway or did anythin wrong,, but at the same time expect the hugest fuss if the trust or the respect line between us was once broken..
I will always respect your friendship with girls, even bestfrnds, and will never interfere or even get jealous, but at the the same time i have to know i have a special and unique placement in your heart and life ...
in bitinganania world
we dnt judge ppl from the outside... we c how they r with us and try 2 c their inside...
we trust each other more than anythin else and are honest with each other to the utmost limits...
we care about each other enough to set each other free and fly side by side, by choice not by leash...
each person does what he/she wants, as long as they feel its right and its comin from their heart... they dnt fear ppl judgin or the "norm standards"...
there are no "norm" standards, there are only "heart and guts" standards..we dnt do smthn cuz ppl wants us to.. we only do that for sm1 we luv or care about.. even then we r crazy enough to think if they luv us, they'll accept us...;)
these are wut i can think of right now,,, will be addin to this list constantly.. (and yeah when it comes to romance i still live in disney world ;))
I do/say, wut I do/say, cuz I love u and never cuz I want you to love me
i watched a friend of mine do different stuff for that guy... they were just friends but i never understood from where did she get the will to care that much.. i heard people asking her different time "do u luv him that much?"... her answer was always "we're just friends.. he is not mine and as long as he is not, then i do not luv him... the luv i carry in my heart is only destined for that person i'll spend the rest of my life with" and she smiled.. she always smiled when we talked about that guy... so one night i was sleeping over at my friend's place and i woke up around 3 am and sat down doing nothin.. i looked at my friend and found the same smile on her face.. the next morning when we woke up my first question was "did u have nice dreams?"... she said " yup.. it was a good sleep"... i smiled and looked at my friend reminding her that i have known her since we both knew no one else but ourselves.. she was the first person i opened to and talked to.. the first person i dreamt with.. i knew her more than anyone else... i told her that she have changed... i have seen her around zillions of guys but it was never like this one and i could bet with my life that she was dreaming about him last night and that for the first time she's not telling me the truth... my friend said may be i have changed, may be i have never been like this before... but the thing is i am not lying to u... its true that i believe wut i have always believed in "u can not luv who is not urs and that the luv in ur heart is only destined for one person, and since he's not mine then the discussion ended, we're friends and i respect the parameters we both did"... so i looked at her questioning "so y r u doing all this if u r not trying to win him, if u r respecting the parameters?"... my friend smiled and told me that she'll explain to me as if i am him... with that most innocent smile on her face she said... :
" I do wut i do cuz it makes me feel better and not cuz i want u to feel me..
i say wut i say, cuz i want to say it and not cuz i want u to hear it...
i wanna make sure that u r ok, cuz i care and not cuz i want u to feel that care...
i smile at u, cuz i want to c u smile back and not cuz i want u to fall in luv with my smile..
i say thank u cuz i want u to say u r welcome and not cuz i want u to think i am polite..
i want to do u all the best, cuz i feel good this way and not cuz i want u to think that i am angle....
I do/say wut i do/say, cuz i love you and never cuz i want you to love me"
"I swear i do not know why.... but thats it... I swear I am respecting all the parameters.. but sometimes this is just it... i know that wutever tomorrow brings things between us will always be this way... even if i find another man who is the one destined for all the love in my heart... things will always be this way... for me it is much bigger than u can comprehend my dearest friend"...
looking at my friend with a big smile on my own face.. i could do nothing but hug her.. and never question about that friend of hers again... as i admit it is much bigger than i can ever comprehend... :)
" I do wut i do cuz it makes me feel better and not cuz i want u to feel me..
i say wut i say, cuz i want to say it and not cuz i want u to hear it...
i wanna make sure that u r ok, cuz i care and not cuz i want u to feel that care...
i smile at u, cuz i want to c u smile back and not cuz i want u to fall in luv with my smile..
i say thank u cuz i want u to say u r welcome and not cuz i want u to think i am polite..
i want to do u all the best, cuz i feel good this way and not cuz i want u to think that i am angle....
I do/say wut i do/say, cuz i love you and never cuz i want you to love me"
"I swear i do not know why.... but thats it... I swear I am respecting all the parameters.. but sometimes this is just it... i know that wutever tomorrow brings things between us will always be this way... even if i find another man who is the one destined for all the love in my heart... things will always be this way... for me it is much bigger than u can comprehend my dearest friend"...
looking at my friend with a big smile on my own face.. i could do nothing but hug her.. and never question about that friend of hers again... as i admit it is much bigger than i can ever comprehend... :)
Gratitude..
I was at my friend's place a couple of days ago, i was just passing by to take smthn, i stayed for like half an hour. she had a religious program running on tv. It was talking about gratitude/ “الحمد لله" . They said that we lost our gratitude once we question what we're going through. like when you say “why is this happening to me?” or “اشمعني آنا يا ربي" . This is when everything goes wrong, cuz you have just put urself in a position of questioning, but questioning who “ The Divine” “الله" who for sure you can not be questioning. Then they were explaining the phrase “انا لله و انا اليه راجعون" , we usually here this phrase in funerals or death situations, though it is not only for that. it talks about everything we are and everything we have, its all GOD's property and HE shall give and take from it as HE wants and we should not question. Its like you are given smthn/sm1 to just keep and then you are asked to give it back so would do without arguing as u've never actually owned it. That's the thing, even if you are talking about something that you want really hard but you are not receiving, you can not say “y me, y aren't i receiving this?, is smthn wrong with me?” you can not question cuz only THE OWNER of the property chooses to give it or not, you can only ask politely and more importantly be grateful for all the things that HE have trusted you to keep. :)
Honestly i was one of the people who questioned “y me? or y not me?” smtimes when i was down, I have always know that GOD does everything for the best, but just wanted to understand smthngs. After hearing those words i just knew that i was not supposed to understand/ question or even think about this.. I should just enjoy and take care of the property i am trusted to keep and give thanks for them. and more importantly be grateful.. :D.. so during my last prayer at the day i asked GOD to forgive me for the wrong that i've done and i promised to never do it again or at least try my best not to “توبه"...since the next morning i felt that i was a much happier and beter person and learned to say (especially when a gloomy thought comes to mind) “الحمد لله و انا لله و انا اليه راجعون".... :D... Thank GOD
Honestly i was one of the people who questioned “y me? or y not me?” smtimes when i was down, I have always know that GOD does everything for the best, but just wanted to understand smthngs. After hearing those words i just knew that i was not supposed to understand/ question or even think about this.. I should just enjoy and take care of the property i am trusted to keep and give thanks for them. and more importantly be grateful.. :D.. so during my last prayer at the day i asked GOD to forgive me for the wrong that i've done and i promised to never do it again or at least try my best not to “توبه"...since the next morning i felt that i was a much happier and beter person and learned to say (especially when a gloomy thought comes to mind) “الحمد لله و انا لله و انا اليه راجعون".... :D... Thank GOD
Congrats on losing one who luvs u more than themselves..
a girl passed by a puppy shop each and everyday... she saw that very cute puppy that she really liked, back then her cat had left the house, so she thought why do not i buy that puppy, so she walked home to get the money and this is when she saw her cate waiting for her with eyes full of tears so she took her cat back in and logically she can not have both, so she decided to stay with the cat and that its enough to play with the dog when she walks down the street.. by time she really liked the dog and wished to take it home, each and every time the cat snuck out of the house she walks down to the pet shop to buy the dog, but each and every time the cat came back and she took him back cuz its her cat and she just can not let it go, she luvs it... the girl could not decide which one she really luvs and wants to own so she kept the situation as it is... thinking that she now owns the world, the proud of themselves cat and the most luving puppy are both around... till one day when the girl was walking down by the pet shop she did not find the puppy and before she even askd the pet shop owner said that her puppy ran out of the cage and the shop.. sm wind opened his door and he just ran away... after a couple of silent moments the owner said, i've known this puppy for a while and saw in his eyes and the movement of his tail since u've known him more than u can imagine..
this puppy luvs u more than anything in the whole world...
i've never seen him happier than those few moments u spent with him...
he even convinced himself that those moments where enough to keep him alive...
he thought about those seconds the whole day...
he cried his guts out each time he felt any sorrow around u..
he went crazy if u were late for 5 seconds than the time u should pass by...
he wanted to protect u with all he could... and even with more than he could..
he felt the difference in ur treatment when u r happy with ur cat and when ur cat left and u were about to buy him... each and every time u were taking that decision he felt it.. each and every time he was around the stars when u were going to buy him and he thought finally.. and each and every time a second later u decided to stay with the cat and he was about to die...
he tried to leave many times, but just could not, he really luvs u... but unfortunately he just could not take it...
i'll tell u a secret i opened the door for him...he had to leave.. he was too precious for wut was going on.. he deserved a much more stable situation than this.. he deserved that u luv him for true.. may be he was convincing himself that this was more than enough.. he thought that those seconds were more precious than life and that ur look was more precious than anyone else buying him.. he only wanted u to be his owner but i could not stand here and c him giving up his precious heart away like this... i dnt know if he'll b capable of doing that or he'll miss u again tomorrow and come back to his cage just to see u...
u could not decide and now he's gone, my b u dnt feel it, may b u won't regret, i'm sure that ur cat is enough as u chose him over the puppy many times.. but trust me i'm sorry for u, for losing all that amount of luv.. may b ur cat gives u wuts more or may be not... it does not differ anymore cuz my puppy is no longer a choice in ur hand.. now the only choice u got is ur cat or a totally new pet, wutever option u go wiz, u just lost the Puppy.
congrats on losing one who luvs u more than themselves.. you should thank yourself for being hesitant... :)
this puppy luvs u more than anything in the whole world...
i've never seen him happier than those few moments u spent with him...
he even convinced himself that those moments where enough to keep him alive...
he thought about those seconds the whole day...
he cried his guts out each time he felt any sorrow around u..
he went crazy if u were late for 5 seconds than the time u should pass by...
he wanted to protect u with all he could... and even with more than he could..
he felt the difference in ur treatment when u r happy with ur cat and when ur cat left and u were about to buy him... each and every time u were taking that decision he felt it.. each and every time he was around the stars when u were going to buy him and he thought finally.. and each and every time a second later u decided to stay with the cat and he was about to die...
he tried to leave many times, but just could not, he really luvs u... but unfortunately he just could not take it...
i'll tell u a secret i opened the door for him...he had to leave.. he was too precious for wut was going on.. he deserved a much more stable situation than this.. he deserved that u luv him for true.. may be he was convincing himself that this was more than enough.. he thought that those seconds were more precious than life and that ur look was more precious than anyone else buying him.. he only wanted u to be his owner but i could not stand here and c him giving up his precious heart away like this... i dnt know if he'll b capable of doing that or he'll miss u again tomorrow and come back to his cage just to see u...
u could not decide and now he's gone, my b u dnt feel it, may b u won't regret, i'm sure that ur cat is enough as u chose him over the puppy many times.. but trust me i'm sorry for u, for losing all that amount of luv.. may b ur cat gives u wuts more or may be not... it does not differ anymore cuz my puppy is no longer a choice in ur hand.. now the only choice u got is ur cat or a totally new pet, wutever option u go wiz, u just lost the Puppy.
congrats on losing one who luvs u more than themselves.. you should thank yourself for being hesitant... :)
Landscape
Mixed Media on paper, but fixed on canvas.
A usual landscape but cut into different blocks and each is done individually in a different medium on paper.
watercolor, oil pastel, charcoal, colored pencils, usual graphite pencils, ink.
100*70 cm
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